Friday, January 25, 2013

First World Man Problems

So I'm fairly progressive, right? I mean, I know not everybody agrees with me on everything. I've got problems with Anonymous. I'm pretty hardcore about my faith as a Christian. But hey, I support lots of things that the Progressive movement does. I support a progressive tax that asks the wealthiest to shoulder a heavier bit of the tax load, because this country has made them rich. I support gay marriage, because regardless of anything I think, everyone should have equal rights and equal chances to be happy in a country based upon the principles of equality. I support gun control, and climate revolution. So what's my problem?

Ladies, I don't have a problem washing the dishes or cleaning the kitchen. I like to do that. My dad did it every day of his life if my mom cooked. If he cooked, she washed the dishes. Simple give and take, two people shouldering the daily chores. That's how it should be right? I don't think cleaning the kitchen is women's work.

So why can't I go buy a simple swiffer sweeper without being told it's a girl's job to be working in the kitchen?

Yeah yeah I got it Ms. Happy, you're in charge of the kitchen. It's your domain. Guess what, I'm a single guy that likes to keep an immaculate home. It's my kitchen too! I will scrub a toothbrush through my grout if it means getting the dirt out of it, and if I happen to walk barefoot along the floor, if I feel any grit, I'm whipping out my kitchen tools and getting that bad boy scrubbed. Oh, but I got to be the lady of the house if I want to do that work. It's not like the image of this (admittedly pretty) woman is the only offender. There's far worse. I mean, where are the manly straws?

The most conveniently placed straws, hanging in the middle of the aisles, coming in soft and gentle colors. Where is apocalypse red and doomsday black? Is it too much to ask that I get a straw that makes me feel like I'm sipping on the blood of my enemies, all while getting the convenience of a flexistraw? 
The worst though is the assumption that a man doesn't like to take care of his hands! You know I own a Jericho 941, also known as a sweet ass gun. I have also mixed concrete by hand in the poor towns of Mexico, stirring that stuff for an hour with a rough staff, and I've torn down walls in New Orleans in the post Katrina rebuilding project.

That doesn't mean I don't like an occasional manicure and soft hands. So why are the only gloves for kitchen work called GLAM  OR GLITTER GLOVES?

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that they exfoliate as I work (I really do), but is it too much to ask to get a manlier version of these things in the aisles? Where are the Glimmer Gauntlets of Gamalon? Or Golem Gauntlets? Yeah, that's the ticket! At the very least, could we get these kitchen gloves in a manlier design? I mean really: 
Seriously, my choices are cloudy skies blue or love struck pink? I didn't realize I was trying to be in a boy band. Seriously, as I was walking the aisles, I just kept asking myself where are the black kitchen gloves? And if the colors weren't the worst offenders, the designs are sure to rob me of my masculinity. It's a cold day in hell before I wear gloves with artistic circular shapes or lovingly adorned hearts toward the elbow. 

So come on, kitchenware manufacturers. I'm not asking for much. I like to maintain a clean house and a spotless kitchen, and there are few greater sins to me than a dirty sink. Is it so much to ask that you help me feel like a badass while I'm doing it? When I strap on those gloves, I want to feel like a barbarian going to war, with bacterial filth the proverbial Roman legion that I'm about to conquer in a bloodbath of bleach, with my scrub brush as my battle axe. So let's see the reds, grays and blacks, the colors of war, like I'm covered in the blood of my foes and the ash of his destroyed houses. While you're at it, if you could design some sort of helmet for me to wear while doing my kitchen duties, that'd be great. Totally unnecessary, but totally awesome.

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